Courage to Change, August 31
I have often tried to change
other people to suit my own desires. I
knew what I needed, and if those needs weren’t met, the problem was with the
other person. I was looking for someone
who would always be there for me but would not impose on me very much. Looking back, it’s almost as if I were
looking for a pet rather than a human being.
Naturally, this outlook put a strain on my relationships.
In Al-Anon I have learned there
is a difference between what I expect and what I need. No one person can be all things to me.
Once again I’m faced with
examining my own attitudes. What do I
expect, and is that expectation realistic?
Do I respect other people’s individuality—or only the parts that suit my
fancy? Do I appreciate what I do
receive?
Today’s Reminder
Trying to change other people is
futile, foolish, and certainly not loving.
Today, instead of assuming that they are the problem, I can look at
myself to see what needs changing within.
“The beginning
of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and do not twist them
to fit our own image.” – Thomas Merton
I needed this today, and every word speaks to me so deeply. I am so very good at pointing the finger at others and saying, "You are broken, so get fixed," when I should be pointing my finger inward and gently asking myself, "What can I do to change how I view or feel about this person or situation?" I have treated a partner like a pet before. That analogy has never described how I treat others at time more poignantly. Ouch.
I also need to more deeply assess the differences between needs and expectations. What do I really need from a friend or partner? What do I want but can live without? Is it alright if we are very different? It is unreasonable to expect my friends and partner to be just like me. I also need to recognize that my friends and partner have needs and expectations as well, and they are equally valid.
I need to work on Step 1 a little more: admitting I am powerless over insert noun here. In this case, my noun is others.
Today I will...
... point my finger at myself when I feel the need to criticize another.
... differentiate between what I need and what I expect.
... determine what I expect and whether those expectations are reasonable.
... remember that others have equally valid expectations.
... accept that no two people are exactly alike and that is exactly how it should be.
... relinquish my desire to control others and simply let them be.
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