Expectations and Resentment

Courage to Change, June 1

                A longtime [Al-Anon] member says, “An expectation is a premeditated resentment.”  I take this statement to suggest that when I have a resentment I can look to my expectations for a probable source.

                Here’s an example: I have a brother who is less attentive to being prompt than I am.  When I make a plan with him that involves meeting at a certain time, I am cooperating in establishing conditions that encourage me to nurse a resentment.  On the other hand, when I make a plan with my brother that is based on no expectations of promptness, I feel no resentment.

                Today’s Reminder

                I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others.

                                “I have accepted myself and I’m beginning to accept other people the way they are each day.  Now I have fewer resentments.” –Living with Sobriety

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Today's reading is a continuation of yesterday's.  I am having trouble accepting that others have different standards and expectations than I do, and I am having to work very hard to be cognizant of when I am trying to impose upon others.

Premeditated resentment is an interesting phrase.  I don't think the author is trying to say that we should necessarily lower our standards, but instead try to shift our attitude to be more accepting of others' standards and tendencies.  Much heartbreak can be avoided if we simply choose to accept.  I have tried many times to explain this to my partner, but I do not think he understands.

Today I will...
... recognize any resentment and examine what may have led to that feeling.
... work to be aware of when I am trying to control others by imposing my own standards.
... accept that others have their own standards that are equally valid to mine.

Expectations vs. Needs

Courage to Change, August 31

                I have often tried to change other people to suit my own desires.  I knew what I needed, and if those needs weren’t met, the problem was with the other person.  I was looking for someone who would always be there for me but would not impose on me very much.  Looking back, it’s almost as if I were looking for a pet rather than a human being.  Naturally, this outlook put a strain on my relationships.

                In Al-Anon I have learned there is a difference between what I expect and what I need.  No one person can be all things to me.

                Once again I’m faced with examining my own attitudes.  What do I expect, and is that expectation realistic?  Do I respect other people’s individuality—or only the parts that suit my fancy?  Do I appreciate what I do receive?

Today’s Reminder

                Trying to change other people is futile, foolish, and certainly not loving.  Today, instead of assuming that they are the problem, I can look at myself to see what needs changing within.

                                “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and do not twist them to fit our own image.” – Thomas Merton

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I needed this today, and every word speaks to me so deeply.  I am so very good at pointing the finger at others and saying, "You are broken, so get fixed," when I should be pointing my finger inward and gently asking myself, "What can I do to change how I view or feel about this person or situation?"  I have treated a partner like a pet before.  That analogy has never described how I treat others at time more poignantly.  Ouch.

I also need to more deeply assess the differences between needs and expectations.  What do I really need from a friend or partner?  What do I want but can live without?  Is it alright if we are very different?  It is unreasonable to expect my friends and partner to be just like me.  I also need to recognize that my friends and partner have needs and expectations as well, and they are equally valid.

I need to work on Step 1 a little more: admitting I am powerless over insert noun here.  In this case, my noun is others.

Today I will...
... point my finger at myself when I feel the need to criticize another.
... differentiate between what I need and what I expect.
... determine what I expect and whether those expectations are reasonable.
... remember that others have equally valid expectations.
... accept that no two people are exactly alike and that is exactly how it should be.
... relinquish my desire to control others and simply let them be.